Hey! Still poly?

It definitely can. I don't think there is even any question about it to be honest, though I can understand your doubts. I see it working a lot in kink or sexuality centred communities.

I'd say being or not being poly is not a matter of choice. It's how your brain is wired.

I am in a monogamous relationship for about 6,5 years because that's what my life enforced me to accept, but in any moment of time I would tell you with 100% confidence that I am poly. That's what I am choosing in my imagination, in my art, in silly romance-story games I play — anywhere where I have a freedom to choose.

Personally speaking, I'm in a polyamorus relationship and it's been the best one I've been in. I'm in my early 20s and the dating pool in general is insidious. I've been cheated on in every relationship. And for me, I was never hurt because of the action itself. But the partners inability to communicate healthily that they wanted to go have some fun. I know my case is a little different than some, but I don't jealous- I get horny. I love talking to my current partner about crushes or people we have the hots for. And truly it takes far more communication than alot of people are willing to have. I think as with any relationship style there can be issues but it's not the style of the relationship but the people inside those relationships. There is a lot of personal and interpersonal work to be put into any relationship.

In my case (and in several cases around me), being monogamous forced me to judge negatively some naturally occurring emotions and feel a bunch of negative emotions.

At 19, I fell in love with two women at once, and I wondered what was wrong with me to feel that way. I also tried to force myself to be jealous because my absence of jealousy made some partners uncomfortable.

Being polyamorous pushed me to be more open about my feelings and desires. It is so liberating that the desirability of others isn't a risky subject or, worse, a trap. It also changed how I see people I am attracted to.

While monogamous, when someone that attracted me was "taken" (as if property of someone else…), I wished to some degree that their current relationship would end. When someone that attracted me was single, I would be jealous if they started a relationship with someone else than me. But while polyamorous, I experienced joy when someone that attracted me started a new relationship, just after they rejected me. I was attracted to them because they were a beautiful human being and I wished for their happiness and was happy that they would find some. I would have liked for them to find some happiness with me, but them finding it elsewhere was great too.

It's funny when people tell me they couldn't be poly because one relationship is hard enough and they could never do several. But the openness with myself and others led me to live relationships that are an order of magnitude easier and simpler than before. I now find this response incredibly sad because it shows how the mandatory framework of monogamy harms people and sabotages their relationships.

The “ideal” mono relationship still ends in either breakup or death, so maybe you should adjust your expectations a bit.

Have you read this: https://aella.substack.com/p/why-your-polyamorous-friends-relationship ? It's a recent survey someone did of people's relationships and how monogamous/polyamorous they are. The overall conclusion is that people who are fully monogamous or fully polyamorous have better relationships than people who are somewhere in between. The post discusses some potential reasons for that result (notable confounder is that most poly people are not fully poly).

Why is it that you're considering being polyamorous? It sounds like it's related to being long distance and wanting sex and/or intimacy, but you didn't spell it out, and that could be helpful.

@horse We are 2 neurodivergent folks who want to explore new things and have the freedom to make deep friendships without worrying that sex with another partner is some forbidden fruit. We want to explore local people while maintaining and expanding the intimacy of our current bond. We both feel that we can probably learn from other relationships while still being together ourselves, and see the value in the freedom to do whatever we want and the choice to come back together at the end of whatever happens. We plan on going fully monogamous some distant time in the future when we get married. I think that marriage has lost a lot of its value as a milestone and this might help with that for us.

To me the idea of slightly poly is an odd one. You're either poly or monogamous, you can be shitty at either one but I don't know if it makes you less of that thing? It feels to me like a measure of peoples confidence in knowing what was going on in their relationship which would make sense that they are worse off.

@Pickle I've always seen the poly/mono divide as having two facets: circumstance and identity. You can be poly/mono in circumstance and the opposite in your identity, or they can both line up!

Kinda leads to answers for the common questions: "Are you still monogamous if you're single?" "Are you still poly if you feel you are but you're in a mono relationship?" "Are you still monogamous if you or your partner is cheating?" etc., to all of which I say firmly, Yes!

Potential idea for resolution:

2 year time period. Resolves yes if we are still poly, resolves no if we decide to be solely monogamous. Any other outcome such as being inactive on manifold 2 months before and after when market is supposed to resolve, breakup, death, or ascension into a higher dimension will resolve N/A.